Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator