teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
tinder is all about the long game
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.