“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck