turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.