I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
This was a bad idea all around
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”