King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You Might Also Like
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
next question.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.