rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.