[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
you gotta be faster
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.