Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it