Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.