my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: