My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Very good! 👍😂
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”