Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.