Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You Might Also Like
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My Sentiments Exactly
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.