“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born