You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: