The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.