a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo