I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
oh u like geography? name every lake
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof