There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth