The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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#oldknees
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.