My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.