Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Good dog. ❤️
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.