flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I love wikipedia
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I was just discussing this with my cat
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year