Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
We’ve come full circle
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
😂😂😂
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Bringing home a sharpie
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.