If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Boom, boom, ching!