throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.