Xylophonist Shredding It
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.