Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.