“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer