On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”