Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
#Caturday
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Bro what is this
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE