Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I falcon love using swear birds