If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
May have had one breakfast too many
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
🙂🙃🥹
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.