Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.