A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
From Facebook just now…
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people