I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
when someone compliments me
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”