Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.