“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.