My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
#Caturday
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!