Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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The Compass
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Body by sandwich.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.