[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If Mr Krabs owned a bar