I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR