It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?