if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My inexpensive home security system…
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants