[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish