My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
You Might Also Like
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.