Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Shower sex be like:
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.