my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You Might Also Like
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
he’s doing your taxes
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.