Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
They’re on their honeymoon
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.